quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
