Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
