I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
How external is "for external use only"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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