Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
