What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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