Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
