Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
