I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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