Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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