She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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