I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
