So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
