I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
