and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
