Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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