She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I'm just crazy horny about you
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
