cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
