somebody snuck up and got me drunk
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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