I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
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This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
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Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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