my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
