I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
