when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
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I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
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The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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