I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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