You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
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