did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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