Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
