Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
