I could have mohawked her pubes.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
