you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
