Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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