i was born a porn star she said
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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