There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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