I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
