I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
