i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
