I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i came on her dog
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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