if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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