We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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