her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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