I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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