just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
