I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
