bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
