I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
