my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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