I cockslap morals
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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