the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
