i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Randomize
