toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
