We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
