i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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