Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
this just has baby written all over it
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
