I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
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Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
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Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
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