So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
COCAINE IS GR8
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
