Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
