i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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