when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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