I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
